Archive for Satire
Makes you want to jump up and shout, “I’m Spartacus!” doesn’t it?
James Protzman (of BlueNC) posts this at Daily Kos. Worth repeating in its entirety:
I am now a corporation
by James Protzman
UPDATE: All of this is absolutely true.
Yesterday, July 6, 2014, We were reborn as a Limited Liability Corporation called James Alexander Protzman, Inc. (DBA, James, Inc.). It’s very exciting and We are giddy with glee about the possibilities.
The process was simple, though not inexpensive. For less than $200 using an online filing, We were able to purchase this sacred status in only five minutes. Now We have all the rights of other corporations, which as We all know, is the fastest growing front for freedom in America. In any case, We now have many more rights than “regular” people, even though We are also still a regular person, too. We think of it as dual citizenship with benefits. And We get to use the royal “we”!
Our corporate agenda is a work in progress, and We would appreciate any input and guidance you may have. One thing We are considering, for example, is filing for office here in North Carolina, perhaps for governor. We already have one unincorporated corporation in that top spot, Pat McCrory (Duke Energy), so the precedent is well on its way to being cemented in stone.
One established part of Our corporate agenda is the promotion of world peace. We object to the burden of paying taxes to fund the US war machine, which violate Our religious beliefs. We will be filing suit shortly, based on the Hobby Lobby ruling.
Corporate welfare also goes against Our religion, which is ironic since We are a corporation. More litigation to come here.
We have been a corporation for only one day, but We can already feel that change is in the air. And please be advised that our corporation has already lawyered up. We are in a position to take you to the cleaners for any perceived threat to our religious freedom.
Of course, We have not yet chosen a religion, having not yet completed our scenario modeling and crisis simulation planning. But We will in due course. As soon as We understand which denominations confer the greatest competitive advantage, We will be making an announcement. Early evidence suggests that something in the poly-theistic domain could be promising. We are especially interested in the maximum number of paid holidays.
Speaking of pay, We believe that working for our corporation is a privilege. Pay and benefits are out of the question.
If you have other suggestions to help shape Our corporate agenda, please share them. For those who wish to invest, an IPO is in the works. We are also looking to establish a board of directors with special experience in frivolous litigation and off-shore investing.
These are exciting times, no?
Because I can’t stay up that late on Mondays.
And you thought it couldn’t get nuttier…
NSFW, of course. NSF plutocrats either.
“What’s the right mixture of quality and class-based shame poor people should aim for in their meal planning?” the Daily Show’s Jon Stewart asked last night, slamming Fox News’ seeming obsession with SNAP recipients’ grocery shopping habits. Because the “Fox Hounds” have heard — and feel comfortable spreading — “these stories” about poor people and food stamps. Or as Stewart put it, “Fox News: We read the chain mails your grandma gets in her inbox out loud like they were true.”
Because don’t look at how you’re getting screwed by Wall Street, no. Look! Over there! A poor person buying food — to eat — with taxpayer assistance! Or as Lyndon Johnson said,
If you can convince the lowest white man that he’s better than the best colored man, he won’t notice you’re picking his pocket. Hell, give him somebody to look down on, and he’ll even empty his pockets for you.
The Fox News business model, ladies and gentlemen.
The Daily Show takes on states that rejected Medicaid expansion.