Gov. McCrory, Demand DNA Testing For All Voters!


[The following is satire enhanced for the humor-impaired.]

This week former U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell told a CEO Forum in Raleigh that North Carolina’s sweeping election law changes would push away blocks of voters that Republicans should instead be wooing.

“What has come out of the legislature is that fraud is widespread and undetected,” Powell said. “How is fraud widespread if it’s undetected? How can it be undetected if it’s widespread?”

How? Hans Von Spakovsky, the GOP’s point man on spreading rumors about widespread voter fraud, knows how, even if he himself cannot say how big a problem it really is.

“It is impossible to answer,” Spakovsky told the New Yorker’s Jane Mayer. “We don’t have the tools in place.”

Or as voter ID advocates claim, “How do we know, if we’re not looking?”

If absence of proof is proof of a crime, our whole theory of justice just got turned on its head. But isn’t that a small price to pay to restore public confidence in an election system von Spakovsky has spent over a decade undermining to gain support for laws requiring voters likely to support Democrats (and less likely to have IDs) to present identity cards before voting?

Indeed, voter fraud must be a widespread problem precisely because no one is looking for dozens, hundreds, or thousands of, you know, Them. Unlike real Americans who go to the polls on Election Day to do their civic duty, Spakovsky and groups such as True the Vote and the Voter Integrity Project believe that hordes of Them go to polling places to commit felonies punishable by five years in prison and a $10,000 fine for each offense. All so they can cast a single extra vote.

It’s not rational behavior. It makes no sense. Ha! That’s exactly why North Carolina Republican legislators and Gov. Pat McCrory insist that all people in North Carolina should have to show identity cards to vote.

But wait. What if requiring photo identification doesn’t go far enough? Perhaps we should require DNA testing before we allow people to vote? Otherwise, how can we be sure people are really people?

Like Hans von Spakovsky. Just where is Hans von Spakovsky from? I mean, really?

Could it be that Hans von Spakovsky and his allies are really Red Lectroids from Planet 10. Not just illegal voters. Not just illegal aliens. But real aliens.

Red Lectroids! Red Lectroids from Planet 10 could be on our planet and in this country illegally and voting in our elections by the thousands. Undetected. Because if we’re not looking, how do we know?

Governor McCrory — if you are really Governor McCrory — the voter identity card bill you just signed is just a half measure. You need a birth certificate to get an ID card or a passport, sure. But every American alive during the Obama administration knows just how easy it is to fake a birth certificate. So please, demand that all North Carolina voters present DNA test results that prove they are human before allowing them to vote.

Thank you.


  1. Daniel Hopkins says:

    tom sullivan,

    off topic, but how difficult would it be to buy the Citizen’s Times from Gannet?

    Here’s Rachel Meadows on the subject. :

    “You need to pay and subscribe to your local newspaper. Whatever it is, your local paper needs you. It needs to exist.maddow It needs to have enough reporters on staff, to have enough subscriber income to pay for local reporters and to pay for editors so you can actually get coverage of what goes on at these usually pretty boring meetings in your county and in your town, because sometimes they’re really important.”

    Make it a local paper. Put stuff in it local people would pay for. A consumer help section, a young persons section, health/nutrition/medical problem-solving columns and advice. Consumer comparison shopping/complain-resolution column. Local–very local–sports reporting. Coupons. Not to mention local, national and international news.

    Asheville could and would support a local newspaper. Gannet hasn’t a clue.

  2. RHS says:

    I don’t know. There was a time when Mountain Xpress was a potential rival for the ACT. But in recent years it has dropped the once solid investigative reporting it once did and is not little more than an arts and food journal. I guess advertisers are more comfortable with that approach.

    MX still does a better job of covering City Council and County Commission meetings than the ACT but otherwise it has become pretty vapid.

    As for the ACT, well, whatever flaws it has (and an entire blog could be devoted to that topic) it is still a better local news source than the completely unwatchable WLOS news.

  3. You won’t be able to buy AC-T. Gannett is holding onto their print media for cash (they do still turn a profit, even the ones who are slashing news staff) & online viewers (funnel them more & more into generic national content).

    The plan is to suck the print division dry for capital & for readers, then jump wholesale onto digital only, some day in the future. The controversial step of restricting online comments to Facebook-members-only had more to do with that longterm advertiser-driven digital strategy than anything about cleaning up the level of the discourse, blah blah blah…

    Eventually, in the smaller markets like Asheville, local news will be delivered by cheap or free “citizen journalists”, or by buying content from local TV or infotainment sites.

    Don’t take it from me – I get all this from current/former Gannett employees: