Gov. McCrory, Demand DNA Testing For All Voters!By
[The following is satire enhanced for the humor-impaired.]
This week former U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell told a CEO Forum in Raleigh that North Carolina’s sweeping election law changes would push away blocks of voters that Republicans should instead be wooing.
“What has come out of the legislature is that fraud is widespread and undetected,” Powell said. “How is fraud widespread if it’s undetected? How can it be undetected if it’s widespread?”
How? Hans Von Spakovsky, the GOP’s point man on spreading rumors about widespread voter fraud, knows how, even if he himself cannot say how big a problem it really is.
“It is impossible to answer,” Spakovsky told the New Yorker’s Jane Mayer. “We don’t have the tools in place.”
If absence of proof is proof of a crime, our whole theory of justice just got turned on its head. But isn’t that a small price to pay to restore public confidence in an election system von Spakovsky has spent over a decade undermining to gain support for laws requiring voters likely to support Democrats (and less likely to have IDs) to present identity cards before voting?
Indeed, voter fraud must be a widespread problem precisely because no one is looking for dozens, hundreds, or thousands of, you know, Them. Unlike real Americans who go to the polls on Election Day to do their civic duty, Spakovsky and groups such as True the Vote and the Voter Integrity Project believe that hordes of Them go to polling places to commit felonies punishable by five years in prison and a $10,000 fine for each offense. All so they can cast a single extra vote.
It’s not rational behavior. It makes no sense. Ha! That’s exactly why North Carolina Republican legislators and Gov. Pat McCrory insist that all people in North Carolina should have to show identity cards to vote.
But wait. What if requiring photo identification doesn’t go far enough? Perhaps we should require DNA testing before we allow people to vote? Otherwise, how can we be sure people are really people?
Like Hans von Spakovsky. Just where is Hans von Spakovsky from? I mean, really?
Could it be that Hans von Spakovsky and his allies are really Red Lectroids from Planet 10. Not just illegal voters. Not just illegal aliens. But real aliens.
Red Lectroids! Red Lectroids from Planet 10 could be on our planet and in this country illegally and voting in our elections by the thousands. Undetected. Because if we’re not looking, how do we know?
Governor McCrory — if you are really Governor McCrory — the voter identity card bill you just signed is just a half measure. You need a birth certificate to get an ID card or a passport, sure. But every American alive during the Obama administration knows just how easy it is to fake a birth certificate. So please, demand that all North Carolina voters present DNA test results that prove they are human before allowing them to vote.