On Ted Nugent

Okay. I’ll come right out and say it – I like Ted Nugent. Now, before you run screaming for the nearest exit, let me explain…

See, like many people my age, I practically grew up listening to Ted Nugent. I rather enjoy his first four solo albums (five if you count Double Live Gonzo!). I can listen to “Stranglehold” for days and not get sick of that riff. I love dropping a couple of quarters on “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” whenever I find it on a CD jukebox in a bar, just to watch the looks on everyone’s faces transform from jovial to whaaaaaaaaAAAA??? in thirty seconds flat. Sometimes less.

But that’s about as far as I’ll go to defend him. Say what you will about his conservative views, his pro-hunting activism, or anything else about Teh Nuge that you may not happen to like – fine. I probably agree with you. But his early work is certainly worthy of an occasional listen. If you still have a record player, you can probably grab decent condition vinyl copies of his early work for cheap at various used record stores or off eBay, especially after this little outburst:

Classy, huh? Inviting high-profile political figures (including Sen. Dianne Feinstein [D-CA], whose anti-gun stance is just a little ironic considering the role a service revolver played in the trajectory of her political career) to fellate his machine guns, calling them “worthless whore(s)” and “bitch(es)” and “piece(s) of shit”, and underscoring it all with a yell of FREEEEEEEDOM!!!! that would make William Wallace wet his kilt. It’s enough to make you want to eat a big bowl of raw red meat, wash it down with a lukewarm PBR, hop in the truck and go buy a gallon of deer urine @ Bass Pro Shops!

If you were to visit his official website, you’ll see that it’s conveniently delineated – a “Rock ‘N Roll” section and a “Hunting” section. In the “Hunting” section, there’s a commentary (called a “Teditorial”) entitled “War is the Answer“. So sayeth Ted, in part:

I so respect these bright, incredibly sophisticated, gung-ho military professionals. They obviously put their hearts and souls into researching the post-9/11 world, so maybe, just maybe, their decision to volunteer stands to be more meaningful than the motives of some U.S.-bashing punk like Michael Moore and his ilk.

The intimate, inside dialogue these brave men and women have shared with me brings me to a single conclusion: The terrorists and those who support them in any way must be destroyed at all costs.

Peace and love and security are procured by killing those who would interfere with such quality of life, and that is exactly what the U.S. military heroes are doing.

Fighting the evil terrorists and tyrants who have held Muslims back to a life of slavery and misery, locked in the 17th century, clearly is the only hope we have to beat down the maniacal extremists who vow to destroy America and take innocent lives around the globe.

All right, Ted! Certainly you felt the same way in the late sixties when America was doing their part to stop the spread of Communism throughout Southeast Asia, right?

“… if I would have gone over there, I’d have been killed, or I’d have killed, or I’d kill all the hippies in the foxholes … I would have killed everybody,” he told the Detroit Free Press in an interview published July 15, 1990.

Hell yeah! Kill ‘em all and let Jerry Garcia sort ‘em out! KILL! KILL! KILL! KI… umm, “if I would have gone over there?” What happened, Ted?

“He claims that 30 days before his Draft Board Physical, he stopped all forms of personal hygiene. The last 10 days he ingested nothing but junk food and Pepsi, and a week before his physical, he stopped using the bathroom altogether, virtually living inside his pants caked with excrement and urine. That spectacle won Nugent a deferment.”

Okay, I gotta admit, that’s a little more creative than “an anal cyst” or “other priorities.” After all that, I’m still willing to cut Ted Nugent a little bit of slack because… well, come on, can the guy who wrote “Stranglehold” be all bad?

Okay, maybe 96% bad. 97%. 9… ah, screw it…